I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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