I need to stop coming to work sober
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
