I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
