I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
