woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
