Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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