I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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