Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
