woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Let's get the cat blown out
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
