Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
