I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
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I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
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She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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