she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
