the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
