I like my sex mixed with concussions.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I want to be your penis for a week.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
