And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
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Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
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You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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