By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
