My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
