Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
