if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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