someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
