I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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