She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
