Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos