Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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