Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
