The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
