But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
