He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
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She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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