you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
