I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
