Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
