$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
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Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
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Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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