This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize