Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
