this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
