I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
