There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
