He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
it's great music for shaving your balls
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
