Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
