I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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