I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
