I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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