Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
