just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
