You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
