You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
