You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
