you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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