I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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