508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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