i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Randomize
