did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Dear god my vagina.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
