Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
