i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
