Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
