Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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