Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
