defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
